A Fist Full of Film

How to Save a Life

Approximately three months ago, I stopped firing the cameras.  I was probably the worst state of my life, and the reasons for beginning FistFullofFilm were fast becoming extinct. Much of my joy was gone, and the fascination surrounding how I saw the world, and how it was revealed to me in a pictures was gone.  To make it as bumper sticker short as possible, I was dead creatively.  I even signed on here, and said there would no longer be this blog.  

My cameras sat in storage for that month, and I didn’t even bring one with me anywhere anymore, I was devastated both personally in a myriad of different aspects, and sincerely felt all hope extinguish.  Those of you who know me know that I come from a spiritual background in a church, but I found that those people in that church inflexible in their perspectives to offer any kind of hope.  My children were taken from me by their mother(my ex, through financial strong arming of her church combined with their high priced lawyers and their religious perspectives on what I ought to do for a career, for life).  I find it funny that a spiritually based church would rely on legal means to steal my children away.  It was just another example of Footloose, only, I wasn’t a dancer, I was a photographer.  All the while, their belief was that they were forthright, justified, and didn’t look like that stuffy old church family in the movies.  

In that grey time, I was considering, how to react, what to do, what to change, and how to define me, so that I could fit in the box they preached I ought to be in.  As time passed on in that month, epiphanies started erupting from all the people that knew me but didn’t want to say anything.  Epiphanies about the affect I have on people, my gifts, both spiritual and physical, and the clandestine homosexuality of my ex wife.  I was standing in line at Samy’s in Culver City, for film, and I heard some conversation strike up infront of me.  

“There’s this guy, has a blog, Fistfulloffilm, and he uses this film with the Hasselblad.”

“Yeah I’ve seen his stuff, those stories are good, just as good too.”

So I don’t introduce myself, I had barely any effort to even be there, and I had this roll that was just baking in my car so I thought I ought to get processed, but I didn’t even have the heart to engage with these strangers.  But I had fans?  Is this possible?  That the nerd from 108 Shady Ln in Longwood, FL who went to Woodlands Elementary could have fans?  That my writing(a secret passion of mine) could be just as enjoyable as the quick fix of a photograph?

Because I had legal bills to pay, I took any job I could, even the ones that didn’t pay as much, and in one of those jobs, I worked, Kristen(daughter of the most powerful man in Hollywood-Lighting), was the make-up artist.  We had come together on a job for a friend in need, who had a project that had no money, and no distribution..yet, but it was something we did to come to his aide.  And it took time away from the pain I was experiencing in the desert of my own life.  During a down moment from the shooting schedule, she referenced and older post from blog.  One that only someone who was consistently reading would be able to recite.

“You read it?”

“Of course I read it, its something I look forward to, I wish I was on it.”

It was at that point, I realized, no matter how shitty things got, this blog, this photography,  not just entertains but affects people.  And when they heard I shut down, people were genuinely concerned about me in a way that I can’t even begin to fathom.  Emails, phone calls, texts.  I had no idea of the range of this tiny little blog, self funded, and done for pure joy had with even people I don’t even know personally.

Kristen, the way she spoke to me, and encouraged me, the way she said, “I fucking miss your shit!”  In all her eloquence was the capstone of a wave of epiphanies and she sent it over the edge.    A girl who is as cool as she is beautiful, who loves Football as much as being a make up artist, who can kick it with the homies, as well as rock the stilettos, She saved my life in that one statement.  I soon picked up the cameras again.

So I wanted the light over her shoulder when I took this, and I thought it was more emblematic than anything else could be.  And would fit the character and honesty of truly just another friend indeed, when I was so desperately in need.

Burbank, CA

Rolleiflex 2.8E  80mm Schnieder-Krueznach, Agfa-Rollei Crossbird Red 200